


The Laws of Attraction are Rather Odd

by Screaming_into_the_endlessvoid



Series: Regan-19 [1]
Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Zombie Apocalypse, Angst, Blow Jobs, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Smut, First Time, Fix-It, Hand Jobs, Hurt Rick Grimes, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, Post-Divorce, Sad Carl Grimes, Slow Burn, Sweet Negan (Walking Dead)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-20
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-18 07:28:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 19,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28739520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Screaming_into_the_endlessvoid/pseuds/Screaming_into_the_endlessvoid
Summary: Rick always thought after the divorce he would never be the same happy loving man he was again. He was sure that part of him died alongside his heart after Lori left him for his best friend. But boy was he wrong when he meets Negan.OR a story about how Negan helps Rick cope through his divorce and Rick finds himself falling for his son's soccer coach/gym teacher....oh and yes. Ms. Corona is of course going to have her moment in this.😌
Relationships: Rick Grimes/Negan
Series: Regan-19 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2117514
Comments: 31
Kudos: 28





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I can't believe we are here but I hold true to my word 500 hits.🥴 Ok let's give y'all some context:
> 
> This story takes place a year before my other fic Christmas Break, It's been 2 YEARS since Lori left, and they are still very very very hurt about it, (as they should).  
> Judith is Rick's and she is a 2. Carl's a sophomore and the stay at home order hasn't been issued. Rick has been drinking to get cope through the depression and still works at the station. Covid-19 does have an impact to this story though and Rick and Negan's relationship 👁👄👁
> 
> 🤔 I think that's all to cover. There's more I'm probably forgetting, BUT everything will be later on explained in this story. I'll try my best to.
> 
> Anyways, now that we got all that out the way. I hope you all enjoy and don't hate me for this😀❤  
> 

Sitting at the kitchen table, glass of whiskey in hand, darkness englufing the house, Rick stared off into the very dim light of the house thinking about his ex-wife. She left him and the kids to live another life with his bestfriend. It never got easier thinking about it even if it has been 2 years. She was susposed to be happy with him. With Carl. With little Judith.

But she wasn't. Apparently that happiness was with his goddamn best friend. Feeling a swelling lump form in his throat he quickly washed it back with his poison.

' _I'm sorry Rick I just don't love you anymore.'_

_'Lori please...we can make this work. Just **PLEASE**...please stay.'_

_'Rick we both know once it's broken it can't ever be the same.'_

_'BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN WE CAN'T TRY AN' PUT IT BACK TOGETHER AGAIN....at least try for the kids.. please.'_

_' **NO. RICK!** ..I don't want this anymore...I'm sorry'_

He broke down on the table, head in arms sobbing quietly into the abyss of the night. That was all he could do nowadays. For the past _2 years_. He was so tired and his heart was forever tore out of his body, leaving behind an ugly empty black hole of suffering, confusion, betrayal and hatred. 

_'why'd you do this to me lori?'_

He gave a deep exhausted sigh before before wiping his eyes and then made his way up the stairs after placing his glass in the sink. He got in bed, his sleep schedule over the course of these unbearable 2 years was _hellacious_. He had bags under his eyes and his body was always worn out. He had taken to the couch the first year of the divorce, the pain of sleeping in the same bed after she left wasn't something he could even manage. Hell, going through their old wedding photos was a whole 'nother form of pain beyond any comprehension. 

He remembers just opening the book and out of him came a pitiful whimper, similar that of a dog's, and he just broke down. Carl had came downstairs after hearing his dad distressed sounds of complete agony. Rick felt even more ashamed of himself, he wanted to be strong in front of him and not look weak for the sake of them but he just couldn't. Carl just walked over to him and crushed himself to his father's chest, and Rick didn't even take a millisecond to reciprocate the action. Feeling his son's hot tears on his shirt and hearing his just as injured wails broke more of Rick's already broken heart.

' _Just go to sleep you miserable bastard_ ' his brain told him, dragging him back to the present. At that moment his body went slack and loose and he felt lethargy sing him a dull lullable.

He was beyond thankful his dreams weren't of Lori that night.

They were in the car that next day's afternoon. The sun was at twilight's peak, casting down a golden beautiful skyline. The traffic of the town's roads was filled with the late day rush of people out and about of their own adventures. Rick found himself thinking about the butterfly effect in that moment, why? He does not know. The drive was silent, Rick was taking Carl to his first soccer practice and Judith was in sleeping away soundly in the backseat. 

Rick signed him up so that Carl could blow off his internal turmoil through sports over the divorce and Lori's abandonment. He wanted to talk to him, let Carl vent to him but how the hell could he, Himself, tell somebody else -let alone his son- that it won't be this endless stormy sad rainy darkness of pain, pain, and even more pain? That it'd clear up and the sun will shine with pure joy and rainbows will blossom amongst the clouds? -He cried every night for the past 2 years to himself in his pillow and the majority of his days at work were in the bathrooms hysterically sobbing into the hand dryer, how the hell was he supposed to comfort his son about it?

'How fucking pathetic _are you? He's your son, it's YOUR job to fucking comfort him regardless if it isn't a hope in the damn sky, it's your job. Wow and the award for Number #1 Worst Dad After The Divorce goes to Rick Grimes.'_

That same voice appeared in his head again, and this time it brought a dam of tortured tears that threatened to spill over. He blinked them away profusely and decided to stop the silence in the car in attempts at stopping the voice in his head.

"You excited?" Rick asks looking over to Carl who turns to look at him. Again, Rick is struck with the butterfly effect in that moment.

"Yeah I guess." Carl shrugs off before turning back to look out the window. It was clear he didn't want to talk at the moment, and Rick respected that but still felt twang of pain at Carl's indifference.

They pulled into to the soccer fields and proceeded to get out. Rick watched Carl make his way to the field, dressed in his shorts, black knee socks and cleets, yellow jersey with the number '01' printed in black largely on the back of it with 'Grimes' right under it. ' _That's my son_ ' Rick thinks, watching with pride as his son walked off. He gets Judith out the car, her pacifier still in her mouth as he pulled her small little body into his arms, her arms coming up and wrapping around his neck. ' _And this is my babygirl_ ' he thinks again, adoration warms his suken dark chest.

At least he got the kids. He would probably have given up without them, there would be nothing for him to continue to live on He didn't want to think about that right now, especially with Judith in his arms. He grabbed her diaper bag and blanket before closing the door and making his way over to the bleachers where the other parents were. He sat down by Carol who motioned them over upon seeing him walk over. She expertly maneuvered Judith into her arms without waking her while giving Rick a warm smile. 

"Well howdy there Deputy, I take it you are very thrilled for this season?" 

"Thrilled indeed. How are you Carol, you and Ezekiel still goin strong?" He asks smiling somewhere along the sentence.

"I'm doing great Rick and as for me and 'Zekiel, we are so happy, he makes me so happy. He's actually shopping with Sofie right now, and is most likely suffering through her wild expensive shopping spree." She has a twinkle that flashes in her crystal blue orbs after saying his name.

Rick shares a laugh with her although it sounds off and insincere, he hadn't laughed at all these past 2 years

"I'm glad to hear that. You better hold onto that there feeling, makes the world brighter and life less duller."

Rick glances off onto the field where the kids are stretching and warming up. He finds himself lost in thought about his failed marriage until a hand gently clasps on his knee. He turns to look at Carol giving him a sympathetic frown.

"Rick it's going to get better."

Rick gives out a dry humorless laugh.

"Yeah Carol, I'm not too sure 'bout that. I mean that's what I told myself and been told by others for the past 2 years and yet I'm still here brokenhearted and grievin' over my wife leavin' me for my _bestfriend_ and cryin' 'bout it EVERY. NIGHT. in our bed hoping that she comes back to me or this is still some messed up fever dream. But it ain't and it's not gonna get better."

Carol reaches out and wipes away some of the tears that have now fallen during his explosive rant.

"Sorry 'bout that. It's just been a rough, _Rough_ couple-ah years." Rick says looking away shamefully.

"Look at me Rick." Carol says softly, Rick does and he takes in the sternness of Carol's eyes and her drawn eyebrows that come together in a way that makes Rick feels like he was talking to his mother.

"Never apologize for getting all that nastiness out. You deserve better and until you get that said better you are allowed to vent about the"- she covered Judith's ear even though she was still sleeping- "shitty things in life Rick. Never feel like you have to keep it bottled up. I can't tell you when things'll get better but mark my words young man, _it will_. You just gotta ride the lonely ride of pain for a little bit until it finally comes to a stop and let's you get off."

Rick's heart is doing that thing where it's squeezing his chest and his breathing is labored almost like he couldn't catch it no matter how deep and slow he was inhaling, oxygen was not getting to his brain.

He knew Carol's words were true and they were comforting not at all intending to harm but it still hurt nonetheless and like always, he felt another episode of gratuitous tears find their selves at his eyes again. He rubbed his eyes and sniffed before standing up.

"I gotta use the bathroom, can you keep her please?"

Carol smiles brightly at him but he could still see a frown press at the corners.

"Of course Rick, been doin' that for awhile now. I definitely understand."

Rick looks down again in shame. He had call Carol to see if she could watch Judith over the course of the past years when his melancholic depravity was too much to handle for himself. He'd taken to closing everything and everybody around him off in a means to stop the pessimism from taking over.

"I'm sorr-"

" _Stop. Apologizing._ "

She laughed a laugh that was playful but serious all the same. It was a spirited threat, funny but still dangerous. Rick felt himself smile and then shook his head, making his way over to the park bathrooms that were next to a faint forest area by the front of the parking lot. 

As he was walking Rick noticed that the kids were still warming up out on the field. Some were running around the white outlined square area, some were stretching and some had gathered in a small group to kick the soccer ball back and forth with each other. Rick saw Carl looking over to the group of kids while he was in a lunge position stretching his right leg out and his body forward with his left fully drawn out in the back stiffly. He was observing them, Rick noticed, he was doing that thing where he silently watched others from a distance to see if they were a threat or not. He was doing that a lot recently. Rick had a voice in the back of his head telling him it was because of the divorce and how Carl was definitely raising all his guards up because of it. It made Rick feel even more worse knowing that Carl would probably have some form of trauma from the abandonment and would potentially have form dissimilar reactions and behaviors because of it. He fixed his eyes on the grass beneath his shoes. God this was _so_ hard to deal with. He was beyond broken and he was 100% sure he was never going to be fixed again. He couldn't fix himself and he couldn't fix his kids. 

' _How sad is that. You're just sad. You failed the marriage, you failed her, and now your failing your kids. Why dont'cha just dig a damn grave and go die in it you fuckin' letdown.'_

He felt tears gather again at the voice's vicious self-damaging statement blurring his vision, he wiped at his eyes and he felt his breathing start to catch by the swollen lump formed in his throat now. He was too busy scrubbing away at his desolation before he bumped into something he could only describe as a brick wall in front of him. Mild confusion took mantle over his emotional outburst. He peered up to see what had come into his path of walking and was immediately repentant of his earlier action. 

"I'm so sorry, I didn't see where I was goin'. I didn't mean to-"

"It's alright prick, Jesus, shit happens stop beatin' yourself up about it." The deep voice rumbled aggravated.

Rick took a moment to study the man he bumped into. The first thing he happened to be met with was the most beautiful amber golden warm pair of Hazel orbs he had ever seen in his life, dark eyelashes curling absolutely perfect on the eyelids that seemed to have little happy wrinkles at the ends of them probably from smiling. Rick's eyes then lock onto the man's smug smirk that was casted with a dark black man-beard that wasn't that out of hand, almost as if he had kept up with it a little. Then Rick looked up to his firm daunt curved nose to his dark eyebrows that were long and heavy and perfectly symmetric to each other coming at the end to make a pristine arch. The man seemed to notice Rick studying him and his smirk drew up even more and his eyes lidded halfway down, the sun now reflecting light into them making them glow just the right way. 

"Uh um..I'm Rick" 

Rick doesn't know why he just told a stranger his name, especially one he just happened to bump into on the way to the bathroom due to his lack of environmental awareness, he doesn't know what specifically he feels at the moment, can't put a finger on it, but he didn't know why being overly flustered was apart of it. Probably because of the way the man eyes were fixated on him so intensely. 

Rick looked down a moment before reaching out his arm as an offfer to shake hands.

' _What the fuck are you doin'?'_ the voice asked him, he hissed that he didn't know what he was doing either at it. And before the voice could tell him to put his damn hand down, he felt it being took in a firm but still gentle grip with the man's tender warm one in return.

"Name's Negan."

Negan grins at him brightly and gives a few quick short shakes of their hands. Rick stares at it. Then they were released and gravity took his arm down at the lack of Negan's supporting his.

"Nice meetin' ya Negan, sorry for bumpin' into you 'gain." 

"It's all good Ricky." 

And with that he clapped a hard hand on Rick's shoulder causing him to almost knock over not because of the weight of his hand, but because it catches him off guard and he glares at Negan to which Negan laughs out in an amused way. Rick watched his eyes smile and he felt strangely at peace by the look of his happiness. He stopped laughing and threw Rick a smile before walking off. Rick stood there completely thrown into aloof as to that strange interaction between him and that stranger. He just shook his head, clearly the thoughts from his mind

'He's just a stranger.' he tells himself as he walks to the bathroom, he doesn't have the need to cry after that interaction with Negan but he suddenly does take a leak in the urinals of the empty bathroom and after washing his hands he goes to find Carol back at the bleachers with the other parents in the afternoon light of dusk. She's bouncing Judith lightly in her arms and noe that she woke up. Seeing him Carol gave a small smile.

"Are you feeling better mister?'

"Yeah...yeah I am.." 

His thoughts go to that interaction with that complete stranger and how random it was. It makes him laugh inwardly at how odd that was. His mental laughter was now interupted however by a loud whistle coming from the field. The kids all stopped what they were doing and ran over to he middle of the field. Rick watched in shock as he saw Negan with the whistle he blew on his neck of a black nike shirt and his some black windbreaker sweats. 

**HE WAS THE SOCCER COACH?!**

As if reading his train of thought Carol looks over to the field from Judith. 

"Oh yeah, that's Negan. He was saying he recently moved here about a few weeks ago in some apaprtment building not that far away. He's originally from Virginia but he said that there were some complications up there that made him leave and come down here." 

She frowns and her eyebrows knit together while watching the man of subject bark out drills to the kids.

"He didn't want to go into detail about it and everytime you ask him about it he'd just shell up and go on the defensive. Personally I think he's an asshole but surprisingly he's good with kids... _Surprisingly_. What do you think about him Rick?"

She turns to him now and Rick feels himself tense at the question. Negan was just a random person who coached his son's soccer team and he happened to bump into on the way tp the bathroom. His thoughts turned into a frenzy of the man's features, his dark short wavy raven black hair that curled just at the end of his ears. It was styled like it was unkempt but it was at the same time, and then that smile. That _Damn smile_.

"Sweetie are you feelin' okay? Do you have a fever or something?"

Carol's concerned tone brought him back to the present and he felt himself splutter out nonesense of confirmatiom- which were of course, lies- and Carol even picked up on it. She just futher frowned at him and then held Judith in her left arm while she digged in her purse for something. After acquiring the said item, she lifts it out and Rick sees it's a little paper. It's a card. She holds it out to him.

"Here, I don't want to tell you what you should or shouldn't do Rick but I think this might be able to get you on the first step of things getting better."

Rick takes the card with an inquisitive hesitance and he scans over it. 

'PhD Michonne Hawthorne L.M.F.T.'

777-623-8890

Rick looks up incredulously, eyebrow raised his lips coming into a 'o' formation at Carol. Carol just sighs and hands him back Judith who instantly latches onto his beard.

"Like I said, it might help you never know, you don't have to or don't not have to for me. I just thought it was a nice healthy way to reach down and yank out the bottled turmoil eating away inside."

Her phone starts vibrating and Carol pulls it out and looks at it before laughing and getting her stuff together.

"I gotta run Rick, but think about what I said at least. I trust Michonne and she is really good at her work. She helped me with Ed and I'm pretty sure we all remember those memories."

She trailed off reminiscent before shaking her head. 

"Yeah okay Carol, we'll see." His gruff southern twang drawls out.

She searches his eyes for a few moments before she reaches down and place a comforting hold on his shoulder and givimg him a soft smile.

"Bye Judy." 

"Bye-bye aunh Carol" Judith says giving her a hand motion of goodbye. 

With that she turns and walks from the bleachers and towards the parking lot. Rick watches her figure get smaller and smaller in the distance and sees her get in her car and start it before it drives off out of the fields. He sighs and runs a hand over his face, he tucks the card in his shirt pocket and fixes his attention to Judith. 

"Hi Baby."

"Hi Daddy." 

Rick smiles at her and places a kiss on her temple and bounces her in his lap, the sky is now turning darker at a very slow rate and the beautiful orange now turns a vibrant warm mix of red, blue and purples against the shaded greenery. He watches the boys on the field, all making pass off drills to one another and finishing it with a goal. Carl was the goalie and Rick was suprised at his son's ability to swiftly move his body at the ball in prevention of making it in. It looked like life at that moment had finally returned to his eyes making them bright and focused. It makes Rick feel relief he thought that light would never come back to him.

* * *

"Kid you sure as hell make one hell of a goalie. I like that." Negan fondly commented.

Carl ducked his head embarrassed by the the praise. It wasn't quite expected and everybody heard him. But that paranoia was quickly washed away by the fond looks from his team members. They too were nodding as if they agreed. He didn't like all the attention it made him feel on display.

"Oh- um.. thanks." He said shyly.

Negan just clapped him on his back and laughed whole-heartedly.

"Of fucking course kid."

Everybody looked at him as if he had a grown two heads out his body. 

"Why are y'all lookin at me funny for? They're just fuckin' words. Goddamn. Be a bunch of limp dicks about it then you fuckin' pricks." He rants irratated. 

"But sir you j-just expressed offensive explicities in an manner that was very uncalled for and not only that, but rudely if I may add." A kid with glasses says, he's kind of chubby and he has a mullet. 

Negan gives out a dark laugh making the atmosphere tense with uneasiness.

"What's your name kid."

"I-It's Eugene s-sir." He stutters out, he's obviously embarrassed by being put on the spot too. At least Carl knows now he doesn't feel alone.

"Eugene, cut the sir crap, it's coach. And besides what you're saying makes me believe that you're just ducking jealous I get to cuss and y'all don't, and that's not the case here. You are all my little soilder ants on this goddamn soccer field. I treat you with the same amount of respect I'd want you to treat me right back with." Negan starts walking amongst the teens on the field, he stops in front of Carl and smiles brightly.

"And if I fuckin' scream in your face 'you're a piece of shit failure who needs to kill themselves' you have the right to tell me..." he stops and continues to hold Carl's gaze and then he nods at him, smiling some more. 

"Want to finish that little sentence there kid?"

Carl's shocked but he honestly finds this weirdly amusing that this complete random stranger is telling him he could say a few choice words at him. He was hesitant and searched his face to see if he was joking but he wasn't so he humored him.

" _Fuck off_ " Carl spats. 

This earns a a choir of shocked gasps and "oouus" from the kids but Negan smiles turns into a shit eating grin now. 

" _There you go_ kid." He says satisfied and Carl gives back a smile of his own. Negan walks back, acknowledging the group of boys who are all taken aback by how crazy their coach and their teammate is.

"You have the right to be as fucking disrespectful as you fucking can to me. ONLY IF I am to you." He looks back to Eugene and smirks bashfully.

"You got that fatass?"

"Yeah you self bloated egotistical rude ass DICKWAD"

This earns a series of laughter from everybody on the team and Carl feels himself sinking amongst the crowd. He could tell that this season was going to be very interesting and very thrilling, if not exciting and he's happy for it. He's happy that things in universe came together to give him this little serotonin in his shitty dark sad life. He's thankful that Negan was his coach and he feels something grow inside of him now that he gets to be completley free in expressing whatever the hell he feels at Negan. It's really nice. He knows his dad didn't mean to block him out like he had during these past 2 years but it still fucked with his heart and made hin feel even more abandoned because of it. His hands clenched into fist as the thought of his mom popped into his head.

 _'I fucking HATE YOU Lori.'_ He screamed at the mental image of her that appeared of her. ' _You fucking left us for some stereotypical macho dumbass trump supporter_ '

A tap on his shoulder had calm the deep angry storm inside temporaily. He looked to see who had wanted his attention. It was his classmate Rod? Roy? Rover?- Fuck he could not remember his name- looking at him worriedly. 

"Carl..you good?"

"Yeah. Was caught up with somethin' in my head. Don't worry bout it."

Rod looked him over.

"Yeah alright man."

Negan was currently talking about upcoming practices, their actual team uniforms, scheduling, their games, pictures. Carl had zoned him out. He was too busy watching the sunset and how it gave everything outside a blue fading tone around them. It started to get a little cold. That was simply the weather of the Early September Georgia summer. 

"Alright you little turds, I'm all talked out so it seems that this is the end of the practice. I'm hoping that all you rise to your great ass fucking potential and kick some ass for this season. Take us to championship boys." Negan finishes. And after a group break, they all departed. Carl met up with Roy who was walking away with his now empty water bottle.

"Hey sorry, what's your name?" Carl starts. Roy looks back at him offendedly but then laughs and shakes his head.

"We are literally in the same 5th period and you don't know my name Carl?"

"School only just started, like what, 3 weeks ago did it not?"

Another laugh and Carl sees a nice row of teeth from the boy.

"Alright alright, you got me there at least. My name's Ron." He holds his hand out to shake and Carl returns the gesture. 

"You already remember mine somehow but hey I'm Carl." he laughs.

Ron smiles at him in way that makes Carl feel loke he's peering at his soul. He shivers involuntarily because of it.

"We should hang out one day Carl."

"Hmm, I'll keep you posted in 5 to 10 business days." 

Ron laughs at him again and Carl can't help give a little one of his own in return. 

"Yeah, you keep me posted on that. I gotta head back now, I'll see you in school tomorrow?"

"Yeah definitely." 

Ron waves a goodbye from him and jogs back to the parking lot which had now tinted from the lack of sun. He meets up with his dad who was standing at the parking lot with Judith in his arms cuddling her blanket. Rick smiled at him. 

"Hey, you were pretty good out there Carl."

"Thanks dad." He smiles.

It went unsaid that the air between them and their relationship was now starting to heal and mend back together after that day. They didn't have to speak it but they both felt it. They felt how they were starting to piece together something brand new and something beautiful with the painful remains of their igly broken hearts. And it felt good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you ✌😎  
> *drops mic and gets deafening cheers of standing ovation*


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's get it. 😎

The next couple days after Carl's soccer practice Rick's at the station getting ready to go on speeding patrol. He was getting his daily fix of caffiene when Rosita comes into the coffee room/break room.

"Mornin' Rookie, how ya doin' these fine hours of dawn?"

This earns him a death glare from Rosita to which makes Rick laugh out loud. Again, it still sounded off and raspy but it was sincere nonetheless.

"How are you Deputy?"

"Oh you know. Different day, same ole lingerin' sadness...etcera ectera." Rick says taking a sip from out of his cup now after blowing on it to cool the scolding liquid. Rosita frowns at him.

"I'm sorry Rick, it won't be this way forever I promise. One day your gonna meet someone who's gonna rock. your. world. and you'll know at that moment that that's your soulmate."

Rick turns and stares at her for a brief second before turning back to his coffee again and muttering a discontented "I guess." Rosita elbows him harshly, and he was lucky he didn't have any coffee residing in his mouth or else it would've spilled out.

"What was that for?!"

"I'm serious Rick. It's not gonna be like this _se pondrá mejor_ " she finished off in spanish.

Rick rubbed his now tender side with his free hand.

"Okay okay!! Christ!!! I can only imagine how you and Abe's child is gonna turn out. You being' a fiery latina and him an actual red head. I reckon they gon' be a little red wasp themselves."

Rosita gave out a good hearted laugh and Rick felt his own lips perk up at her reaction. After calming herself she took a sip at her cup.

"There gonna be badasses nonetheless. Kicking ass and smokin' grass." 

Rick had choked on his coffee slightly and turned to Rosita qith a stunned look.

"You tellin' me you'd let your child illegally smoke pot?" He asks before wiping the spilled liquid from his face and counter with a napkin.

"NO. pssh, who said that? Not I, wrong person."

She looked away feigning indignation.

"Why would I let my son or daughter have one of many first amazing awakening experinces with drugs at such a young age?" 

She was obvioulsy lying by her 'offended' tone of voice and her refusal to look at Rick. If not that then it was the reverse sarcastic questions.

"Rosita-"

"Heyy!! I just remembered I'm 'sposed to be at the desk slaving away over the calls, and you're 'sposed to be on speed patrol. See ya later Deputy."

She quickly turns out the room, cutting Rick off from trying to press the conversation of illegal substance use of minors, Rick just shakes his head. _Unbelievable_. He finishes his cup of coffee, throwing his empty cup in the trash and heads out to the common room where the normal busy police workers are usually scurrying about at their desk with paperwork or communication, but the 10AM grind hasn't started yet. And it's people either downing their caffiene at their desk or the usual office talk.

He heads out to the parking lot and had got into his assigned patrol vehicle before starting rhe ignition.

He wished he could have started before when he was getting coffee. It's cold outside and inside the car. The sky had just started to wake from the starry late night prior, the sun was beginning at the horizon casting a beautiful glowing citrus color with deep blue and hot pink accented clouds, the warmth of the scene gave a bitter lie to the morbid cold temperature of the weather. 

He's hit with a weird feeling- well not really feeling, but some sort of realization. He realizes in that moment how little and irrelevant eveything is in the grand scheme of universal order and acts. There's nothing that matters really, everything and everyone has no purpose and what he does will serve no value whatsoever. He mentally kicks himself after thinking that last bit, he created 2 beautiful wonderful amazing kids, if this world made no sense to him then they would be his world. They were all the meaning he needed and that was final.

He wondered in that exact moment where Lori and Shane where at. Where they were headed...what they were doing.

' _they're probably going at it like rabbits. he's probably better than you...bigger too._ '

He laughed out loud to himself before putting the car in drive and heading out into the still dark streets. He knew Shane, since grade school, and Rick knew that he couldn't _possibly_ be as big as he liked to act or think he was. Shane was a macho idiotic masogynistic grimey asshole whose head was so far up his head he couldn't smell his own crap. Lori must've obviously been drugged or brainwashed if she chose him to spend the rest of her life with him.

"Oh well" He shrugged out loud and with that he went on with his job. He wasn't in the mood to break down yet again over her intolerable selfish departure. She left him and their kids and that was that. He needed to step up and do even better at his job as the dad..no matter how **hard** it was in the moment.

He gave a deep sigh, hands still turning the steering wheel to the car to keep it steady in place of the road. Maybe he should try Carol's advice and go to that one therapist. He was tired of feeling so tired and miserable and just plain sad, he's been suffering far too long and it was time to heal, or well start walking the pavememt towards it at least. 

* * *

Negan had overslept that Thursday morning.

He had gone out drinking with his friends the night before and had a pounding migraine and shitty hangover. 

"That's the last fucking time I let Simon pick the damn drinks." He grumbles as he makes his way, (tripping over literally NOTHING), to the bathroom.

11 minutes go by of him running around his apartment after a quick shower, brushing his teeth, and finally getting dressed. He had grabbed his keys and locked the door on his way out and took the elevator to the main floor. He ran to his car like a bat out of hell and if anyone saw him he was sure they'd be asking ' _What the fuck_?' with complete befuddlement. 

He laughed while getting in his car at the thought said scenario. Taking off into the streets, he was sure his right foot literally broke the speed pedal by how far he was going on the highway. He lived about 20 minutes away from the school and his first class started at 8:00.

It was currently 7:53.

"Shit Shit Dammit! I'm so fuckin' late!" Negan exclaims. He was going 93 mph in a 60 speed zone and he was very thankful that the lane he was in was empty or some people got out of his way as they realized how fucking psycho he must've been. 

It wasn't until he was coming up to the lane for the exit for the main county that he saw a cop car flashing the lights and the siren behind him.

"FUCKIN' PEACHY!!!" He growled as he slowed down and pulled over to the side away from uncoming traffic. His migraine worsened and he pinched the bridge of his nose. He let down his window and awaited the douchebag who pulled him over. The morning chill hitting his still damp curly hair made him even angrier in response.

"Fuckin' fuzz." He rolled his eyes.

He heard the car door open before hearing it close and then the the crunching of footsteps come closer to his car. Negan was viewing this in an out-of-body sort of way in that moment. His body was in that car but it seemed he was somwhere else at some odd ass angle viewing this taking place. It was strange altogether.

"Sir do you mind tellin' me why you happen to be going damn near 100 in a 63 zone?" The cop pressed. He was still walking to the car. The voice sounded so familar. Negan simply couldn't remember where he heard it from or who it belonged to. He was sure that southern drawl and random exagerrated pronouciation did come into contact with him before.

Finally the footsteps came to a stop and Negan's eyes grew wide at the discovery of the man. It was that handsome blue eyed guy from the other day at the soccer field. He felt himself smiling regardless of the fact he was demanding himself not too.

Rick was in his uniform, his deputy hat and black windbreaker added to his appeal. He didn't seem to notice Negan however seeing as he was busy scribbling away in his little notepad or whatever. Negan didn't care. He was too excited at being busted speeding by the cutie on the outside of him.

"Rick!!" He practically beamed. 

Rick snapped his eyes immediatley upon hearing that voice, his breath caught in his throat. 

It was Negan.

He quickly put away his notepad, haulting his writing on the documentation of this speeding case. This was all rather unpredicted.

"Negan why are you speedin?" He ignored the man's ever growing smile and kept his face stoic, no matter his own amused emotions internally. 

"Well you fuckin' see, darlin, I happen to be runnin a little behind the good ole' clock and I have to be at the school in less than" he checks phone "5 minutes!? Jesus fuck me." He trails off.

Rick feels himself laughing despite the fact it wasn't funny. Negan notices his amused chuckle and he watches the way his face holds genuine humor and his smile. He rests his tongue in teeth as he focus on the man's pretty pink lips curving upwards in a relaxed smile and his blue eyes squinting a little, eyeashes obscuring most of detail of it. 

"Damn" he says fondly. It's like he's in a tranz, he finds himself getting lost at that happy face and no matter how hard he tries he can't seem to pull himself back from it, or look somewhere besides at him. This man is fucking drop dead gorgeous it's beyond astonishing.

Rick stops laughing, at Negan's comment. He wants to tell him to stop staring at him but the way that he's staring and the way he said that makes him flush, he could feel the blood rush to his ears and it's not because of the cold.

"Uh. Well.. _Negan_ " he takes a moment to collect himself, this was NOT going to turn out a repeat of that other day in front of the bathrooms.

"I'm gonna let you off with a warnin' this time, well since it's your first. But I better not see you out here running rampids in the streets again. Got it?"

His cop voice sounds off but it still passes, not that it really matters. He just resorted to using it so that he could stop looking and sounding like a blubbering fool.

Negan smiles at him warmly.

"You got it sweetheart. However I am little sad you didn't get to arrest me, I was lookin' forward to some roleplay." He winks at Rick giving him a dirty smile while he's at it too.

Rick splutters nonesense and he blushes. Casting his gaze down with embarrassment.

"I-uh..I um..I-"

Negan booms with a hearted laughter at Rick's self- consciousness. This earns a glare from the latter. 

"Have a good day Negan." He grits out. His voice is tight and his eyes are cold. Negan just looks smugly at him before hitting the side of his black impala twice.

"Hell, you two cutiepie." 

And with that Rick walks back to his Sheriff car as Negan drives off. That was the 2nd time he met him and yet one little person made a big impact on his emotions and thought process. It amazed him more than it freaked him out. He sighed as he in his car and finished documenting the occurrence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 😎👉👉💥


	3. Chapter 3

"So tell me, what brings you in here Rick?"

He was sitting in a room that was shaped like a rectangle. More length than width. It was wonderfully decorated. A very good home sense. The walls were painted a dark forest green, it had modern windows- fancy black ones that you slide the left to open- with white curtains that stopped an inch down the wall to the floor. There were 3 dark oak bookshelves on each wall. One was in the front with the window behind the desk on the far right corner. The other two were facing each other east to west, exactly at the same position. Various volumes and a plethora of all sorts of books filling all the shelves on all three.

He knew Michonne was extremely intelligent, the woman had 4 degrees on the north wall posted proudly next to the window. She even looked smart, she was wearing a white dress shirt with green pants and some brown high ankle boots with a brown vest that all held it together, she had these little crowns in her locks and the way the shirt contrasted so _stunningly_ against her dark rich beautiful skin threw him in awe. 

This woman was elegantly glamorous.

"Rick?"

He was on a white couch, it was one of those weird couches that you would automatically think would be uncomfortable because of the way it focused on design rather than comfort. He felt himself getting lost in his thoughts and in the cushions. They were soft and his brain would not stop it's incessant rambling.

" **Rick**?!"

Michonne saw him come out of whatever haze he was in and saw him snap his attention to her almost as if he just now took in his surroundings.

She gave him a bewildered look of worry before sliding the bottle of water on the desk in front of Rick closer to the man. He got the message and began taking a few sips of water. It seemed it worked and Michonne was please to see him physically relax and collect himself.

"You gonna tell me what that was about?" She asked with an amused smile at the man's odd behavior.

Rick chuckled himself but it didn't sound all that right to Michonne. Like it was insincere no matter how sincere the man's actions were.

"Sorry bout that Michonne, I guess I just spaced out huh?" Rick says, rubbing a hand over his face a few times.

"Oh honey, I could tell. Now.." she clapped her hands. "As much as I love hearing about the demise of the white man, my job is to help my clients. Help me to help you to _help me_ to help. _you._ "

She crossed her leg over and sat back in her white leather cube chair, note pad resting as content as ever on her lap as well. 

Michonne sees the man currently thinking about what she just said and when he finally understands it his face lights up with amusement.

"I thought you were a family therapist not some riddler." He jokes.

Michonne smiles "And I thought you were a cop not a comedian." 

Rick gives out a laugh, eyes closed and face absolutely reflecting the warmth of joy. It was only after when he calmed himself down did Michonne understand the darkness behind that light. The grim to that what should cheerful laughter.

"Been a lot of things other than what I'm 'sposed to." Rick says dejectedly. His casts his gaze to the carpet, and trails after the gloom that made it's presence known verbally.

Michonne is hit with angst -though she's used to it- and she starts writing away in her notes. Rick's not sure. Curious as he sees her scribbling and scrawling on the paper and then circling, the sound of harsh pen on soft paper filled the air. And Rick finds himself lost in the way Michonne's hand is moving languidly with the pen, his brain travels back to the memory of the 2 years ago when he and Lori were in court that day. Signing away divorce papers and custody claims.

He remembers how impassive her face looked, how blankly tranquil it was at those times of fluid-distress and life-altering chaos. It all seemed like she didn't feel nothing at all for them.

_"How can you sit there, and look awl calm like that Lori?"_

_"Maybe it's 'cuz of the fact that I'm getting away from you Rick. Maybe it's cuz of the fact I want to be away from you."_

He remembers distinctly how he felt like he was shot in the heart. He remembers the pain of that bullet hole and how it later grew into the now present blackhole eating away at anything that could be his chance of happiness.

_"Did I do something Lori? Is that why you hate me? Did I do something to make you want to leave? Because if I did I'm truly sorry. I really am. I don't want you to leave, I don't you want to you leave me alone- or-or-or the kids."_

_She shook her head, eyes closed in a way akin to sympathetic._

_"Sweetie. I just don't love you anymore. I don't want to be with you anymore. I don't want to live a life with you anymore. And if that means...if that means leaving the kids then dammit I will, anything to get away from you."_

He remembers how on the drive back home he broke down like before. -If only he knew that, that would be the first of **MANY** times. 

He chuckles a sour self-degrading laugh at himself and the irony of it all.

Michonne frowns at him with puzzedly, her brows furrowing significantly. But Rick doesn't see it. He's too focused on staring at the way her hand stopped writing. 

"..You know, we took different cars that day to the court. And we came back at different times to the house...I came home last and Lori was first. She told him we weren't going to be a family anymore before I got there, because he had the saddest tears in his eyes. You could see how hurt and confused he was, how he felt."

Rick fidgets with his hands and he swallows and that damn lump in his throat is back.

"When Lori tried to hug him, he pushed her away and he screamed at her. He screamed how 'Stupid and irrational' she was, I told him to watch his mouth, although I completely agreed with him, she was still his mother. He glared right at me, and damn did that boy make me feel powerless."

His hand comes to rest on his forehead as he thinks about the memory some more, Michonne is silent, she is listening to everything he's saying, trying to anaylze every word of reminiscent pain coming out Rick's mouth. Her own heart breaking for this stranger. The overwhelming scar of abandonment in his broken heart was infected with lost hope and empty sorrow. 

"...he was so angry Michonne, _so_ angry. He kept shakin' and his eyes were red and puffy, I was so worried his hands would start bleedin' 'cuz of how white they were...I remember Lori not even being shaken up about it. She just sat there and stared blankly at him. I felt my own blood boil at her, but then she just leaves the house. She leaves us alone for that night, and Carl is even more pissed off.."

_" **I. HATE. YOU.** " _an angry 13 year old Carl hurls at him, his face completely red and wet with tears. Rick's own tears flow in streams at his son's claim. 

_"..Carl I'm sorry-"_ Rick cries

_"MAYBE IF YOU WEREN'T SO WEAK YOU'D STOP HER FROM LEAVING US, BUT BEACAUSE YOU ARE SHE'S GONNA DISAPPEAR AND WE'RE GOING TO BE ALONE BECAUSE OF IT!"_

Rick takes long strides across the living room towards his now hysterical son and stoops down so he's on his knees in front of him. He stares in the face of his son, looking at what you could only descibe abhorrence. He crushes his son against him in a desperate plea of comfort and relatability. 

Carl is of course feral at the point, like a baby that doesn't want to take a nap and throwing a tantrum because of the power imbalance and not having their way. He screams, he pushes, he shoves, he squirms, he even hits. But Rick only holds his son closer, he needs to know he's right here hurting alongside with the boy. That he's as much in despair as Carl. 

_"I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you...i hate you"_ the boy states brokenly, he's drained from the rapid thrashing and movement. He's tired and all of this stress has played a big toll on his already unstable hormonal emotions.

Rick nods his head against his shoulder, a conflicted pout on his face. _"That's okay son. No matter how much you hate me, I'll always love you."_ His voice breaks. He brings a hand to stroke over the back of Carl's neck affectionatley.

He feels Carl's breathing become ragged and harsh before he returns the embrace, his head in the crook of Rick's neck and his hands clutching his father's shirt. 

Rick remembers the ugly heart-breaking sobs that came out of Carl, and the hot tears that came close to scorching his neck. He remembers not being able to do anything for Carl's emotional pain. 

He's crying now and his hands keep flexing into fists in his hair. Michonne gets up, leaving the notepad and pen behind on the chair, and moves behind it to her desk and grabs some tissue. She walks over to him holding them out, a sadness in her brown eyes, her full lips coming into a deep frown.

He takes a tissue and blows his nose and repeats the action again before taking a third tissue to wrap his snot in. He takes a deep breathe, closes his eyes and lools up on the ceiling. Michonne is at his side, a comforting hand rubbing on his back, she's staring intently at him, letting him know that it's okay go let things out, that he shouldn't have to internalize it anymore.

"I'm okay now."

She goes back over to her chair. Plopping down with a softness that feels too out of place in this thick tension that's filled the air of the room. 

For a long time she stares at him, quietly observing him and thinking about what he.has gome through.

"Who did she leave you for?"

Those 5 words hit Rick like none other before and the only thing he can feel is trememdous emotionally repressed turmoil. He needs to get out of here.

"I 'ppriciate your help Ma'am but I don't think it's gonna do anythang for me. I'm too far gone in self-wallow and darkness to see my light." 

He stands up and reaches into his pocket for his wallet and pulls out a $50 dollar bill along with a $10 then places it onto the table in front of them.

"I don't think I can be saved from this. If the universe or whoever the hell up there, put me in this predicament, I don't think they _want_ me to get outta of it." 

She looks at money briefly before looking up to him stunned. Rick gives out a laugh but this time it wasn't anything but amusement of any kind. He rubbed a hand over his brow a few times, while the other rested on his hip. 

"Rick, wait sit down, let's talk it throu-"

"Mm no thanks. And besides I'm pretty sure Carl's about to finish school. Gotta go pick him up..." he hums and his face lifts in a mock entertained expression. "Like I should be doin' but have been failing to do ever since. God I'm a failure." (He's taling about making him happy for the past 2 years in case you were confused.)

He looks at his watch and shakes his head. Michonne doesn't know if it's from the comment or because he was already running late from picking his child up. She's not sure. She's been lost ever since the witty joking turned into a sad funeral party.

Rick turns and starts to walk towards the door, and Michonne is still uncertain of her actions in the moment. She wants to help Rick, she does, she just doesn't know how she can make the man sit back down and continue the conversation without it ending horribly.

"Wait Rick, please don't leave. Let's work this out."

He haults, everything in his body suddenly coming to a stop as he hears her words. He turns back with an eyebrow raised and a weird smirk at play.

"God is that what I sounded like when I was begging her to not leave. Jesus." He shakes his head. Michonne is thrown off her rocker at that. This man was completely broken. 

She hears the door open and then close, and then the silence is returned. She closes her eyes before taking in a deep breathe. 

"What did you _do_ Lori?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 🥴 hoped you enjoyed this.
> 
> It's been 6 days and I've been writing the layout for 10 other chapters.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lmao i wrote this chapter January 22 and had finished it today😂😂
> 
> But here you go. Sorry if it's weirdly put together.🧡

Negan found himself waking up in a cold sweat that Saturday morning in complete fear. 

He had another nightmare.

...about _her_ again.

He knew she was locked up and she couldn't escape nor would she ever find him, but that was a scar in his past that inflicted psychologocial trauma that he couldn't quite recover from.

He forced his rapid heartbeat to slow into a calm one, running his hair over his tired eyes and letting out a deep breath.

"She's gone Negan. She's gone for good." He reassured himself.

He looked over to his digital clock on the nightstand next to him, in bold birght red letters it read '9:15 AM'. He looked around the dark bedroom with other dull accents and decor that still complemented everything to one another. Half of the stuff had been boight while he was with her and other half he had recently bought just a couple weeks ago when he moved in.

He wasn't going to think about her- or not while he's completely sober that was.

He got out of bed, his lack of sleep attire had made it's presence undisputedly known as he walked around the quiet apartment. After taking the morning leak and washing his hands he made his way over to the kitchen. 

..still buck-naked.

His stomach growled, provoked anger behind the tight muscled skin of his abdominals. Demanding him it needed to be fed.

Negan laughed to himself.

"Geez, quite your bitchin'. I'm gonna feed you. Fuck!" 

He makes an omlette, flapjacks, a kale-fruit smoothie and scarves down a bagel. He had plans on working out later on, you know 'pump some iron, sweat some blood, EXTREME MUSCLE-RIPPING' that sort of thing.

His mind is taken back to a memory of a Spongebob episode he had dully rembered seeing when he and _her_ would sit in on Saturday morning's and watch cartoons after a rough morning "workout". It was the one where Spongebob and and Patrick were impersonating Larry the Lobster and they did extreme things to live up to their catchphrase " _Livin' Like Larry_ ", it was the only episode he had recalled of that stupid show, and one of VERY scarce memories he had of _her_ when they weren't fighting.

He broke himself out of whatever little trail of thought that was going to lead him into thinking about _her_ somemore. Oh no. He meant what he said, he didn't want to think about her on any happenstance where he was as sober as a withdrawing alcholic. 

He got up from his table and made his naked way to his room and got out his laptop, he had a few papers to grade and he'd rather get them over now instead of in the late afternoon in case he decided to go somewhere later on-which he doubted-and ot was only 10:19 AM. A few papers won't hurt.

Usually with classes, they are just set on that specified subject but this year it seemed the assigned health teacher, Mrs. Monroe, seemed to have retired that year. Noone had seemed to be interested in teaching it, and there weren't any permanent subs wanting to spend a whole school year taking over, so the Board decided to make Negan's P.E. class an intergrated version of gym fitness and the blueprint of sex ed and a little about humam anatomy.

He was actually quite thrilled to be teaching raging hormonal teenage horny sex-craved monsters the importance of safe sex and a healthy body.

Yesterday he gave them all a little test, nothing major it was only the 4th week of school, it was really just a 'get to know me' type quiz. Which is ironic due to the fact he absolutely hated them himself in school. Teachers really didn't care about the kids, they were honestly just doing their job and making money. But Negan wasn't that type of teacher. He actually cared about the kids, even if it was just a class they won't ever take again. Everyone knows it's always the small things that make the biggest things special, and your highschool experience is definitley affected by your teachers.

What's your name: _Enid_

What do you like to do for fun: _I like to pretend I don't exist and my life really isn't a thing because living is a burden and civilaztion is a parasite._

"Damn." Negan says, he didn't know how to feel about this response it was something not expected.

What's your name: _Ron_

What do you want to be when you're out of highschool: _I'm talkin to a piece of paper on what I'd like to be in life... A. Piece. Of. Paper._

Negan laughed at that and read over the next.

Josh wanted to be an engineer, Olivia wanted to be a caretaker.

Gabriel wants to be a youth's minister...

Sophia wants to go into cosmetology, Spencer wants be in the NFL, Tara wants to be a law firm, André wanted to be the next black revolutionist, (" _Shit GO FOR IT Kid!!" Negan was really proud of that response)._

Beth wanted to be a Disney Princess.

"Noo Sweetie." Negan pouts, he had a feeling she was one of those bubbly optimistic girls who weren't all there, but still smart in their own ways.

He reached the end of the pile after spending 16 minutes reading each person's response and giving feedback on certain ones that stood out to him.

What's your name: _My name's Carl Grimes._

What do you like to do for fun: _It doesn't matter, we'll all die in the end._

Negan's heart stopped at that, he felt a distant sadness root itself in his body at the kid's answer.

Wait. Grimes. Rick Grimes. Deputy. This was his son! Now that Negan thought about it, they did have similar baby blues, he never thought to put those strikingly relevant details together though. 

What's your favorite subject: _School is for fools_ _binded on the constructs of humanity._

Do you have any siblings: _Yeah, one, her name's Judith. She's 2. I love her so much._

Negan felt himself relax at that response, but it was very little.

What do you want to be when you're out of highschool: _No comment._

Negan frowned.

In 3 words, how would you describe yourself (be honest here): _I'm not answering this._

Last question. Did you take this test seriously. Were you honest with your answers and are you happy about them: _I have a question for YOU. If the world came crashing down what would you do about it? Would you be prepare for it? If not, how would you fix it?_

Negan felt his eyes widen in total surprise by Carl's question. His favorite little soccer ant is internally suffering at something way too heavy and sad for a child to go through. But how long? And why? And how? 

He was struck with way too many questions that he almost forgot to answer Carl's depressing question.

_Honestly kid, my world's already came crashing down on me. Wasn't prepared for it, not in the slighest and it was by someone I trusted. Someone I love. Someone I thought would never hurt me, can you believe that? I'm sorry about what you're going through. I want to talk to you if that's okay, after class on Monday. Your responses were pretty dark Carl._

He understood why though, Carl was hurt. He didn't know if he was broken-hearted, being bullied, being harrassed. Any typical teenage social behavior that came with the toxic environement of highschool.

His phone goes off. Making him stop his multi-tasking of inserting grades into the system and deep thinking. He looked to see it was Dwight.

He declines.

"Any-fucking-who." He says dissmissively. 

He finishes putting in grades and puts his graded tests back in neat pile in his folder back in his bag. Reading the time, it was now 11:16 AM.

He stretches like a cat on his bed. He could go one day without working out. He was tired now and that Carl sure did throw him in for a whamey. He doesn't want to stay in his apartment though, it's quiet and he can't blast his music too loud because of the noise complaint his neighbor, Arat, would make.

Negan laughed at the memory of his first week of moving in.

_He had finished unboxing the dishes and silverware from few boxes he had, making it the official last step of moving in after everything had been set up already the previous days before. He decided to celebrate with some music and had played Realize by AC/DC and was jamming along with it, air guitar and vigorous head nodding and thrusting of the hips when he heard a poumding knock on his door. It completely startled him and made him fall off living room chair and onto his ass. Groaning in pain, he rubbed his pain-strucken glutes while he walked to the door._

_"Yeah?" He opened it._

_A skinny, curly haired black woman with blonde tips, and a face tattoo stood angrily at his door._

_"TURN THAT SHIT OFF!!!" She screamed at him, before walking back to her door and slamming it close._

_Negan scoffed in annoyance._

_"YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND REAL MUSIC IF IT BIT YOU IN YOUR NON-EXISTENT ASS." he railed back._

_Her door flew back open and he saw the woman give him a death look._

_"Oh baby please, that surely ain't it." She smirked before she closed her door again. Even though Negan's music still resonated in the halls, he could hear what you may call, "Trap Music" come from her house._

_Negan slammed his door back and continued his little mosh pit. They both ended up getting police called on them by a neighboring apatment resident on the floor above them, Gary._

_A Ginger-haired man who stood tall and had kind of a beer belly came to both of doors and gave them a warning that if they don't knock it off they will be charged with a breach of peace and both be arrested. They had turned down their music of course but after that, they had formed a mutual hatred of eachother. And that bald-headed little fuck Gary._

Sighing too himself as he finishes reminiscing over the past, he decides to head out since there's not really anything to do, plus he hates the silence of being alone. Silence brings thoughts. And thoughts bring memories. And thete are some memories he'd rather die than think about.

* * *

Negan's in his car that afternoon, driving around King's county. It's not really big, but it's still somewhat of a spacious little area, not that far off from a normal town. Except something about this place makes Negan believe that the hicks must all reside here.

He sees a cute little ice cream place in the main plaza and decides to take a look for some fat and dairy, they were just carbs he could easily run them off tomorrow.

Parking his black Impala at the front of the store he makes his way in. He's met with a pleasant happy aroma that brings a good nostalgia feeling he can't describe. The walls are mint colored and the floors are pink. The bell dinged as he walked in and two heads, a young white girl with an androgynous hair style and an asian boy with bangs that come over his eyes look in his direction.

"Um hi" Negan says at their sharp attentive gazes.

"Hello sir! Welcome to Greene's Dairy Shop. I'm Maggie" the girl points to her name tag on her green apron, a pink collar shirt underneath before she points at the Asian guy next to her. "And that's Glenn. We are the workers here along with my brother, Arnold, whose not here right now, and my Momma who'd be the owner. My Daddy is the Sheriff and my baby sister is a sophomore." She leaned in with a big smile and her Green eyes wide "We make our own. Isn't that neat." 

Negan couldn't decipher if he should take that as a secret or as a really big achievment with the way Maggie had told him that.

Maggie had a very unique twang, there was country twang and there was southern twang.

She sounded like she lived on a raunch. 

He was still trying to take in what she had said, she had talked so fast, so cheerfully too that his brain was about 20 miles lacking behind her 100 mph sentences.

"Sorry. What she means is thank you for coming is there anything you'd like?" Glenn said. 

Maggie glared at him and Negan felt relieved that Glenn had relayed the woman's slower to him.

"I'll have a vanilla bowl please." Negan laughs.

Maggie gives him the sideways stank eye while Glenn looks at him displeased. His lips come together in a tight manner but are still out and his brows lower alongside his eyelids. Negan feels like hs did something wrong.

"Excuse me?" He asks looking between the two of them, his smile is falters now and a look of worry plagues his face.

"Mm. So you one of them type customers." Maggie says shaking her head, still looking at him with pure disgust.

Negan is at a complete lost. First he couldn't understand her, and now he orders a simple easy request and then he's being judged as if he kicked somebody's disabled puppy.

"I um...-" 

They roll their eyes and Maggie gets started on scooping the ice cream while Glenn gets his bowl. The counter is contains different flavors, colors and all sorts of sweet sugary condiments. They are small tables accomponied by little chairs that range along the back wall and booths are at the front of the windows. It's really flashy and aesethetically pleasing for a ice cream shop. Negan's however interrupted by taking in the shop's scenery as Glenn clears his throat expectedly at him.

Negan turns to them. Still wearing a trace of their dissaproval of his request.

"That'll be 4.95." Maggie says as she rings up the cash register. Negan pulls out his wallet and hands her a 10. She looks at him obvious confusion on her face. Negan holds out his hand, stopping her from substituting the change.

"Keep it sweetie. Although I don't know why the fuck I get treated like I pissed in your cornflakes because I ordered simple vanilla." Negan states as he takes his bowl and spoon.

Glenn and Maggie look away in shamefully.

"Our experiences with customers who have ordered plain vanilla all gave us either a bad time or were being old creepy fucking perverts." Glenn says.

" 'Specially that one bald man with them blue eyes. Man bout got his teeth knockedthe hell out talkin' bout my be-hind like that." Maggie says to Glenn. Glenn agrees in response, an anger lit in his dark eyes.

Negan laughs. "I get it, my bad for bringing up bad memories. But I assure you I ain't no demented sexual predator or some old bastard."

They nod their heads at him, the atmosphere finally thinning out with a comfortability that made itself lost after Negan's order.

"Sorry bout that."

"Yeah, sorry."

"It's all good. Now tell me. Are y'all a couple?"

Maggie blushes and Glenn sputters out fake laughs.

"No, why would we- who told you that?" Glenn asks a little too defensively.

Negan already knew though. That was the beauty of reading younger people.

"Oh it's okay. Who am I to tell, who _can_ I tell? I just wanted to know where that sexual energy was coming from, that's all." 

Maggie's giving him a warning glare and Glenn's chest poke out and he straightens his height, trying for intimidation. It's cute. They're cute.

"You two are fucking adorable. I'm gonna leave now. Thanks for the ice cream. Ta-ta." Negan waves, transferring his bowl to his left hand as he walks out the door.

"Yeah. Every customer who orders pure vanilla is a total weirdo." Glenn states watching the man leave from behind the counter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was this weird? Did this🤔 
> 
> Are y'all content with this chapter?


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for teenagers illegally smoking in a park🥰

"Dude come on. It's just weed."

Carl's eyebrows drew together and he gave a disbelieving frown at the boy with the blunt in his hand being offered to him.

"Uhh no. 1 my Dad's a cop, 2 we are all underage, and 3 where the _Fuck_ did you even get that."

He and Ron were susposed to have been hanging out together, just looking to deepen a mutual friendship, an impactful connection. 

But here they were, at some weird kiddie park whoever knows where with 3 other kids. Sophia, Enid, and Andre. Carl recognized them as his fellow classmates for what is supposed to be health now turned joined health-&-gym.

Rick had met Ron's mom that Sunday, after driving Carl to Ron's house. The boy had relentlessly demanded that he and Carl hung out, and after a lot of thought and deep, _Deep_ reluctance Carl's resolve had broken and the want for social interaction and teenage environmental relatibility had strongly taken over his weakness. He had always been alone, never really talked to anyone, noone ever seemed to care to talk to him. He sat in the back of the class, never speaking, always a part of the background, barely existing.

And for some odd ass reason, Ron was the first kid to really break those anti-social chains that binded him to eternal loneliness, it was....

Carl couldn't come up with the word, this was his first experience of meeting a person who was as bold and sporadic as Ron.

Bold, Sporadic, Outgoing, Stubborn, Reckless, Young AND Utterly Stupid. 

He looked at the joint in Ron's hand again.

Who would have ever fucking thought that "Hey, let's go ride our bikes" would turn into "We're actually sneaking out to go the park and meeting up with some friends of mine to smoke some grass."

Andre and Enid both giggled.

"Oh fuck off Ron, obviously you're scaring him." Enid stated.

"Look, Carl, you ain't got to do any type shit you don't want to do. We ain't trynna pressure you into nothin' man. I get that with you having a dad whose the big fuzz 'round here is already overwhelming and shit, and then ontop of that smoking the kush while he doesn't know is something else." Andre paused, running a hand over his very nice twists Carl has ever seen on a black person. "But take it from me, this shit is on some high-enlightening type shit man. I'm talkin' psychedelic melody in a emotionally spiritual song with dopamine and serotonin spittin' bars yo, you feel me?"

Everyone gave him a look.

"Fuck are y'all lookin' at?!" Andre questioned incredulously. 

They all laughed at his agitated response. Carl felt himself start to loosen up at the calming energy that passed through them all in that park.

"Look Carl, we get that it's your first time and you've never done this type of stuff before. But my mom's boyfriend grows some really good cannabis, and we're going to smoke this. Now we get that your dad is Sheriff and all, so we won't come for you anything because of it. But if you do hit just at least twice, you'll earn all our respect." Sophia stated. Everyone mumured in agreement.

"That'd be so badass." Enid said nodding.

He and her exchanged a moment of silent eye contact with eachother. Carl realized how pretty she was at that moment, she looked hot. Not in a sexual hormonal lust type way, more of a 'this girl is so fucking beautiful, I can't believe I'm in her presence' type way. Brunette hair, a black bandana tied on top the back of it, dark black mascara that outlined her eyes so perfectly. She had on a black loose choker and was wearing some chains, she had those earrings that had little crosses on them. 

Was she an E-girl?

Ron re-lighted the joint and took a quick couple puffs before passing it to his left to Andre, who took his hits and passed to Sophia. Sophia passed it to Enid. After Enid was done she held out her hand, looking welcoming to Carl. Carl searched her eyes for a few uncertain moments, he didn't know what to do.

Enid smile. "There's nothing to be scared of Carl, it's a friend not a threat." She said softly.

He hesitated a bit more before he shakily reached out and grabbed it from her hand. An electric spark met his finger where they touched skin-to-skin. 

"Just take a slow inhale on it and hold it in as long as can, then blow out." Sophia instructed.

Carl did it. His eyes watered and it stung the back of his throat a little, as he blew out he was met with a violent painful coughing fit.

Ron had patted his back in a reassuring manner. 

"There you go buddy. Shit just means it's reaching your lungs and it's working." 

He patted his back a little more and after he was sure Carl was okay, he squeezed his shoulder with a bright smile. Some part of Carl wanted to punch that smile off of him, but at the same time he found himself being lost in the joyful expression- _Whatever the fuck you are thinking stop it now. The weed's here._ And just like that Carl found himself experiencing a light floating happy sensation. Almost bubbly.

"I think I'm high" he says.

He laughs. He didn't think about saying those words, they just came out on their own. He laughs a little more and this time everyone laughs with him. It's weird. What Carl thought as something very bad and scary was nothing but. 

The way weed may have been advertised and given a bad reputation because of the movies and the way half of society frowns upon it is anything but the experience of true mental bliss. It truly honestly depended on the people who were involved. Bad people means negative experiences and good people meant positive experiences.

He looked around him, he was surrounded by good people -or at least he hoped- and for once in his life Carl felt like he was someplace where he was able to fit in, among people he _barely_ even knew, nonetheless. It was very nice and his heart swelled with the thought of finally having friends. He felt his train of thought lead to a more emotional and depressing rputw in his head and he started crying at the realization of how lonely he truely really was.

He's never felt like this before.

It was all so foreign to him, all of it, having people to talk to, laughing with other people, hanging out, going to a park and smoking marijuana was definitley on that list.

All of this was really new to him and he felt happy and sad that it's been 15 years of his life and he's finally talked to people.

Everyone stopped their chatting and laughing as they heard sobs come from Carl. They looked over to him worriedly.

"Carl what's wrong?" Sophia asked sadly. The fact that he started crying made her think he was just scared or was having the typical first time panic attack

"Until today, I've never hung out with anyone, noone's ever asked me to hang out with them. Noone's ever talked to me, I've never left my house." A smile appears on his wet face. "I just wanted to say thank you to all of you for this. It's a wonderful feeling and it makes me feel way better than I've ever felt for the past 2 years." 

Enid and Andre stare at him blankly, Sophia brings her hand to her face looking a mixture of shock and sympathy, and Ron looks at him in a way that brings Carl back to the day at soccer practice, as if he was gazing into his soul.

"I was the first person to talk to you huh?" He asks after an uncomfortable silence.

Carl looks down wiping his face. "Yeah." He sniffs.

"Guess that makes you a relatible loner just like us, huh?" Ron asks.

Carl looks up at him, drawing his features slowly in a skeptical manner. But Ron just kept his same stupid idiotic warm bright charming grin. 

_Charming?!_

"What...what do you mean?" Carl asks another moment of utter befuddlement.

"God are you this slow? He means you're part of our friend group dumbass." Enid states as if she was talkijg to the world's biggest idiot. Rolling her eyes too.

Andre gives her a dissapproving glare, before turning back to Carl.

"Don't listen to her Carl, you know it's her time of month again-" Enid made a side comment that it comes in 4 more weeks actually. "- ** _ANY. WAYS._** " Andre glares at her again silently telling her to stop talking.

Carl laughs at their back and forth, the energy of them was all over the place, you could tell they were best friends by the way they seemed to match each other synch for synch when it comes to talking and behavioral patterns, but their banter just only added to their chemistry. It was like they were a dynamic duo. Their own comedy skit. 

' _Must be nice_ ' Carl thinks sadly.

"Carl, my guy, we are happy to be your friends, and we're honored too that we were the first people to talk to you dawg. I'm sorry that you've been without friends in your life for so long, that shit sucks, but if there's anything we understand it's definitley the type of lonelineess that comes with having nothing in your life that makes you want to live it." 

Again Carl was confused.

"You're telling me that you never had friends before?" He asked incredulously.

Andre raised an eyebrow and Carl gestured to Enid before looking back at him. In synch they both laugh at him. Why are they laughing?! 

"Believe it or not we only started talking to each other the start of this school year, she told me to move my big headed ass out of her way and I told her to quit chewing gum like a stereotypical white girl who loves Starbucks only in the winter and wears uggs in the fall."

They crack out laughing again.

"From there on we just started being friends. Although it's quite weird we've only met but our friendship feels like we've been elementary bestfriends or some cliche bullshit most girls like saying." Enid looks off at the trees. "Not like that shit really lasts, almodt 99.8% of times they end up fighting, being fake, or never speaking to each other after highschool ends." 

"Word that." Andre nods in agreement.

Carl didn't want to think about the end of their 4 way friendship when he literally just started it today.

Sophia watched him for a moment. "How about we smoke 3 more blunts, Carl after the next one that's going to be your last." She says and starts rolling the joint. "I love you, but there's only so much your tolerance can take before you go home and uncontrollably give away the fact that you're high to your dad." 

"Period." Enid says, she does this hand motion across her neck and Carl laughs. They share another moment of eye contact and Enid seems to be admiring him back. He has this sort of _GamerBoy League Of Legends_ type look about him but deep down she knew there was a sarcastic edgy teenage runway deep down in him. 

And she geninuely wanted to see that side of him.

-

"I'm trippin' hella balls right now." Everyone laughs at Carl's stoned statement. "Hey Sophia?"

"Hm?" The blonde girl looks up from her phone.

"You said..You said that Ezekial grows this type stuff?" He feels himself asking the question and at the same time being a physical manifestation of light itself. _Carl you're high_ his brain told him.

Fuck yeah he was. 

"Yeah he grows." She replies, Carl wants to ask the question but he's too scared to- well not really 'scared', just doesn't know how to and feels like it's invading another person's privacy.

Ron, Enid, and Andre have left the table they were sitting at and were playing on the swings, their movements seemed to be uncordinated and unbalanced which makes them fall over a couple of times while they walked around. Making a hysterial laughing fit at the other person. 

"You want to ask me how my mom and Ezekial got together huh?" 

Carl smiles bashfully and looks away in embarrassment. Enid laughs a little.

"It's cool, honestly to say myself I was suprised like a motherfucker too at my mom's choice in men. I never knew she liked bud growers, and I was _very_ shook when he showed up for dinner one time." She tucks a few strands of blonde hair behind her ear. "Well my mom wemt to see Michonne, Andre's mom, the local town's therapist, and she had prescribed it for recreational guy who sold, well, weed and at first my mom was like "what the fuck?!!" But then I guess she just gave in and the cutiosity just overuled her."

Sophia turned to look at the trio on the playground who were silently wheezing at one another at something the two of them had missed, if she had to guess. Ron must have figured out how to fall off a damn kiddie slide he was twice as big than, by the way he had mulch in his hair and a little on his face. 

God they were idiots when they were high. Sophia felt her lips draw up in a soft smile at them.

"So she goes and Ezekial's there and she was scared shitless mind you she's nevet tried any type of drugs and the only information she knows about is the stereotypical stigma that media advertises as illegel drug trades and gang wars about it in movies and T.V. shows, but he's like 'it's bad if you use it in a bad way yes, but I'm more of a medicinal doctor than a weed dealer.'" 

"He has like all sorts of type, basically like in Disjointed on Netflix, he had a _Lot_ of stuff. Umm she didn't really tell me about how she felt but afterwards you could really tell she was happier and they started talking more. And her demeanor had brightened and she took up baking, I was really happy about it. There relationship is kinda like what I'd relate to as that one Martha Stewart and Snoop Dog cooking show. They are both odd individuals and their relationship is even weirder but it makes sense and it works for the both of them nonetheless...plus I like him, he takes me shopping and treats us way better than that miserable drunkard Ed did."

Sophia takes a deep breathe before looking off into the sky for a few moments, breaking the conversation and observing the sun rapidly dwindling down by the second.

Carl's lost. "...Sophia?." 

She looks back at him. "Hm?" 

Carl laughs. "You kinda left me on a cliff there. What happened?"

"I'd tell you but I'm way too high to keep going, I'll tell you when I'm sober another time." 

Carl laughs at her response, he understood for sure the weed was definitley hitting him.

"I've got a question for you now?" The blonde girl says her eyes got dark with intesity. Carl swallowed, but there was nothing. He realized that he had cotton-mouth, he didn't know why he was happy about such achievement, but dammit he was happy.

"Yeah?"

She stares at him with the same intensity and same dark eyes before finally smiling brightly "How was your first time getting high?" 

Carl laughs. He wasn't expecting that anti-climatic response after such threatening expression.

"It was awesome although my mouth is dry, my throat burns, I'm tired but at the same time hungry as fuck." 

Sophia smiles at him. "Yeah weed will do that." She looks at her phone, it's 8 PM now.

"Shit we gotta go." Carl looked over her phone screen and realize what the panic was.

"HEY FUCKSTICKS! WE GOTTA GO IT'S 8 ALREADY!!" Sophia yells across the distance at the 3 other teens laying on the ground now staring up at the stars. They jump up and make their way to the table after hearing her voice.

Carl had forgotten that they all smoked until he caught a whiff of Ron as he walked past him, he freaked out. 

"Wait!! We smell like weed. Aren't they going to notice? Hold on!! Wait!" He panicked his eyes bugging put and he was inadvertently making just as equally alarming hand motions.

All 3 of them laughed at his paranoia and Carl felt like he was being left out on some inside joke.

"Chill the fuck out Carl, one of us always brings the spray after a smoke sess. That's the 2nd rule in our groupchat." Ron says as he places an arm over Carl's shoulder.

It makes him feel a certain way other than what it's supposed to. His brain tells him that if he doesn't wish to kill his high then he needs to stop thinking.

Enid pulls out a gray cylinder spray bottle.

"Spray O' Today is..." she spins it in her hands reading the front "Sage and Cedarwood." She says before turning to Andre and flicks her middle, ring and pinky fingers, gesturing the boy put his arms up. She sprayed him, Sophia, herself and gave the spray to Ron across the table.

Ron frowned at the bottle.

"Enid if this is one of those girly scents again-"

"Suck my 12 inch dick Ron, if it is then you're gonna have to suck your thumb and go cry in the corner. It's better than that disgusting heterosexual stereotypical bullshit you try to bring." The girl glared before gathering her things and skateboard in hand.

Ron grumbles _bitch_ under his breathe before turning to Carl.

"Alright bud lift your arms"

Carl lifts them. He's anticipating the things that he already knows is gonna come.

Ron looks at his face a moment before he shakes his head. 

"What?" Carl asks uncertainly.

Ron smiles and starts spraying him.

"I'm a bad influence on you aren't I?" He grins.

"Given the fact that you snuck me out of your house to ride our bikes, and exposed me to weed I guess you are huh."

Ron laughs and turns Carl around by his shoulders. The spray smells absolutely relaxing, it's like all violent feelings stored within for a particular person have all been washed away, it's like his brain took a hot bath. It's fucking amazing.

After Ron's finished spraying himself they all say their goodbyes to Carl before he and Ron and make their departure.

They rode their bikes in silence. 

When they got back Rick's car was sitting in the driveway at Ron's house. And the lights were on distinguishing two outlined figures shading the curtains of the living room window.

" _Shit_. Umm... look don't say anything, let me do the talking I do this all the time." Ron says never taking his eyes off the window.

"Yeah, but my dad's deputy remember."

Ron looks at him with a gloating smirk.

"Which is even more reason why I gotta sound fucking convincing huh?" 

Carl gave him an incredulous look. 

"Ron what the _fu_ -"

"C'mon they're waiting for us." The other boy says and starts walking his bikes to the side of the garage. Carl follows him dreading the inevitable ear-chew he was about recieve from his father.

Ron drew a quick glance at him one last time.

"Rub your eyes a bit they look a little low."

Carl makes haste at the instructions and rubs his eyes before Ron unlocks the door with his key.

Carl's heart hammered and he felt an indistinguishable fear take over his senses, the knowledge of what he did exactly seemed to hit him hard right at that moment. 

"And where were you?" Jessie asks a hand on her hip and her face drawn in parental scolding.

 _Don't tell them you're high. Don't tell them you're high. Don't tell them you're high. DON'T TELL THEM YOU'RE HIGH!!_

"We just rode our bikes to the park mom, we met up with Andre and Enid there, I introduced Carl to them, figured he'd out to make some new friends." Ron says smoothly.

Carl found himself amazed at how Ron was able to not flip his shit about this, he really must've done this a lot. That truly shows how bad he was. _Fucking badass_. Carl thought fondly.

" _Carl_ " came a southern gravelly accent. 

Carl's mind went into overdrive and he felt himself start to shake uncontrollably. Rick walked from around the corner of the living room, it seemed as if he was sitting on the couch. He felt his father's sweeping gaze and felt frozen like a statue. With just simple eye contact, parents could instill fear in their child. 

It's fucking crazy.

"Carl you should know better, you just can't up and waltz off like that. I don't care if you're with your friends. You can't do that." Rick presses.

"The same goes for you young man." Jessie scolds Ron, to which the boy only rolls his eyes.

"Okay geez, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be out that long, but like I said, I was helping Carl with his anti-social behavioral patterns. My bad. It's not his fault, it's mine." Ron says aincerely.

Rick and Jessie exchange a look with each other before they turn back to the kids before them. Same dissapproving frowns on their faces before.

"Fine, but don't do it again. It's a school night." Jessie says rolling her shoulders and uncrossing her arms, before placing a freindly hand on Rick's arm.

Carl notices this, and he doesn't exactly like it. He knows it's susposed to be a comforting gesturing, a reassuramce of some kind that their kids weren't lost or hurt or who knows what. But it pisses him off. Something reminded him about Lori and the way she used to touch Rick like that humanly affectionate way, and it brings him built-up anger from inside.

" _Don't touch him._ " He spits out with as much venom and hatred he possibly has. 

But that was a mistake, he didn't mean to say that, he didn't at all want to say it. It just came out and the second he replays what he just said in his mind he's immediatley overcome with fear, shock, and repetence for his actions.

Everyone turns to him, stunned reactions at his words. Jessie- to his delight, took her hand off of Rick, it hovered unsure of where to be in the air between the them. He feels bad, that didn't mean to come out. He looks down bashfully and shuffles his shoes.

"I'm- justgonna..go -um" he awkwardly points a shaky finger to door and shamefully retreats back outside and into the car. After exhaling, he silently starts weeping again for the 2nd time that night. He's startled however when the driver side door opens and he lets out a startled cry and jumping in response. It was just his Dad though. 

He starts wiping his eyes, wiping away all traces of his very recent breakdown. Trying to erasw away the despair he felt.

Rick only watched him saying nothing as the boy finished making himself presentable. He then turned to look at the steering wheel, absorbed in his thoughts. His eyes lowered and his face looked off somewhere in the distance of his head. He started the car and still dazed before he came back to the present and pulled the car out of the driveway, shifting the gears.

The swallowing silence that filled them on the way to the house was too sad and too heavy. Carl felt himself start to tear up again and the sniffs he tried to muffle only caused more sorrow for him. He was unaware of Rick's own tears silently falling down his stoic face.

_

"I love you." A decleration by Rick that carried a lingering urgency and something far to greater than honesty.

It broke through their silence as Carl found himself in the kitchen eating some pizza rolls at 9:48 that night. He looked up at his dad. Seeing a completely exhausted worn face, heavy bags fell upon sad blue eyes a trail of red lines that were left by hot tears. His brows drew up in a hopeful manner. Carl watched his body movements, he swayed a little bit and he seemed like he just couldn't catch his balance and his hands, his fingers seem to move by theiselves.

He was drunk again.

"I love you too Dad, but I hate how your drinking through your liver." He says indifferently, turning his attention back to his pizza rolls. The weed wore off and he was still hungry as fuck. God he wanted some spaghetti right now.

"Carl you don't get to tell me what to do. I'mma responsible adult and I get to make my own damn decisions."

Is what Carl assumed his father meant, his words were slurred and the accent didn't get along with the alcohal that well.

He felt himself blood boil and he gave into his repressed rage. Rick jumped as the plate of Carl's pizza rolls hit the floor as the teen agressively threw it down. A horrible breaking sound that sharply contrasted with the calmness of the house.

" ** _Carl._** " Rick barked out.

"No. _You're_ going to listen to _me_. I am **tired** of having to go through these drunkened episodes with you. I am tired of watching you on the verge of collasping on your feet after drinking away your sorrows. If there's one person who gets what the fuck you are going through it's me. SHE LEFT ME TOO RICK not just you. But I refuse to sit here and watch you solve your issues with alcohal for the past year and 8 months. I understand everything's falling apart but why don't you actually try talking to me for once and maybe relating to how I feel. I'm just as sad as you are, but you wouldn't for a second let me consume myself in alcohal, and I won't let you. I understand that you're a grown ass adult and you get to 'make your own choices'"- he held up mocking finger qoutes -"but if you kill yourself over alcohal poisoining who the hell are we gonna have left Dad?"

Carl stood there breathing hard and heavy, his fists clenched at his sides, a unexstinguishable fire lit in his eyes. He was hurt, angry, sad, confused, and scared all at once. It only added more to his pain. His mom left him to live another life with a man he once looked up to. His eyes started stinging and he closed his eyes trying to fight the bitter emotionally distressed tears.

"Carl" came a soft plea. He shook his head. And spluttered over the sobs he fought passionatley to contain.

"No...*sniff* just go." He told the man. 

Rick watched on stupefied and frozen to the spot. His heart yearned for this boy's happiness. He wanted to so badly take away Carl's pain and make it own, he didn't deserve to feel like this.

"I'm sorry." He says, hoping that that's the right answer for the boy.

"You're always sorry, why can't you be better?"

That comment hurted him far more worse than any physical pain Rick's ever experience in his life. All those words were like a gunshot wounds to all his nerve centers, gunshot wounds that were infected I might add.

"I'm sorry Carl." He chokes on his tears.

"Just get out." The boy growls out.

It wasn't until he hears the fleeing footsteps walk up the stairs, and the softest click of a door shutting when Carl breaks down hysterically at the table. Once he's done, he looks at the time. He's been crying for 2 hours, as the time reads 11:31. He sighs.

He's too sad and tired to want to eat anything and he kinda feels gross after thinking about food now, he cleans the broken plate pieces of course cutting himself accidentally. He doesn't hiss in pain, he actually welcomes it. After cleaning the glass and now spoiled food, he looks over the red slit on his arm, amazed by it. 

_Don't you fucking dare think about it._ His concious tells him. It's right. Self-harming isn't the way to go and it will only cause more problems and emotional blockage and tremendous scarring for him in the long run.

He makes his way to bed and falls into a dreamless slumber.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, how are y'all after reading this? I'm sorry for the angst, they sad sad. 
> 
> BUT hey at least Carl has friends now YAYY!!!!😃 
> 
> I know that still doesn't excuse whatever sad shit this is.😔 im sorry. Leave it to my sad ass to ruin a good happy moment.
> 
> But now people, you have the foundation of the story...and then Corona's gonna have her main character moment and fuck things up but until that happens!!!.... just enjoy the little sad rollercoaster I keep putting you on😘
> 
> Also sorry for the mistakes I am not rereading this shit. The longer words I write, the longer I must reread and check mistakes.  
> No thank you.😕
> 
> Happy black history month to my fellow people❤✊🏾


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot of you are only reading for the smut. 😐 let's be real here XD thats's okay.
> 
> It'll be coming in 7 or less chapters so YAY!! You won't have to go through scanning the chapters for words like: 
> 
> "Negan grabbed Rick's hot throbbing member in hand and began a deliberate tantilizingly slow pace, giving a twist every downstroke and a flick of rist every upturn, in doing so, caused the man to thrust his hips upwards, silently pleading for more, so much more, than what Negan was giving him."
> 
> Laugh my fucking ass off teehee hahahahah hehehe XD hjgkvjkndjl i'm fucking dead-
> 
> YOU CAN FUCKING WAIT YOUR TURN YOU DESPERATE HORNY HYPER-SEXUAL LONELY ASS BITCHES. 🤬
> 
> Anyways enjoy my loves😊!!!!!!!! <33333

Negan was late that Monday morning, but not because of drinking.

Oh no.

This time it was because he was too busy getting together his lesson plans, teaching conjoined gym class and health would be him teaching in a classroom what the reproductive organs do one day and the other, taking the kids to the gym to get their required time of physical activity.

He was looking for the folder with the graded tests he did Saturday when it registered to him that it was in his messenger bag the whole time. 

Great. Not only was he 6 minutes late at getting to the school on time, he'd have to come back and clean up the pigsty he left his room. It was currently 7:44 AM and he desperately needed coffee.

He stopped at a Tim Hurtons that was at the exit before King County. He told his 1st period the next time he was late he'd buy them all donuts after he was half an hour late to class that Thursday. 

Hopping out of his impala and walking towards into the restruant, was automatically hit with the fresh smell of coffee beans and the lovely aroma of a bakery. 

The morning crack.

The line wasn't all that long but the people were being pretty slow at ordering the stuff that they wanted. Negan fixed the sleeves of his plain dark green dress shirt absent-mindedly lost in his thoughts as he stared down at the floor.

This was his life...and he was living it.

He shook his head at that. He knew if he were to dwell on these meta-physical existential deep thoughts, he'd be met with that one indescribable _Weird_ metacognitive feeling.

Not that, 'oh we're alive, on a dying rock floating in the middle of a fucking vaccum.' It was more of the, 'Weirded out at being in your own body while trying to pin-point the reason of your existence and purpose in the gigantitism of the universe.' 

"Great now I gotta stand behind a freakin' giant before I even have a chance to look at what I want." 

Negan's thoughts dissipated at the person behind him. _Who the hell did they think they were?_

"Well excuse the _fuck_ outta me. I'm sorry your parents gave you their shit genes and that your blaming me for your shit life but sweetie, It's your own fault. You're not that special and you can wait your fucking turn." He growls, turning around and ready to crush whoever the fuck had it out for him this morning. 

But upon the sight behind him, he was met with a serious pissed off Rick Grimes.

"Rick?" asked Negan, very surprised.

 _What the fuck?!_

This was the 3rd time in a matter of 5 days. There was no reason why they should have met this time, Rick should be on patrol, he should've been at the school but he wasn't and here he was. Just as Rick wasn't on patrol.

Negan raises his chin and squints at the man, trying to understand what the fuck was going on between them. 

"God just move up in line so I can pick what I want." Rick glared at him.

"Jesus Rick, what got your blue little panties in a fucking twist this morning?" 

This was the first time he saw the man angry and the way he kept glaring at Negan like he smashed his child-made "#1 Dad" mug was really starting to get on his bad side.

"Maybe it's cuz of the fact I keep seein' your ugly mug everywhere I go." He says, turning to look out the windows with an attitude.

Negan gives an intimidating smirk, "Baby. I'm many things, and ugly sure as hell ain't one of them." He swipes his tongue over his mouth. "Don't you agree with me _Deputy?_ "

Rick only rolls his eyes before turning to look at the windows.

However, given a couple seconds, Negan was aware of the the man's curious gaze towards his attire and something about the way Rick had looked down at a certain part for a second too long to be harmless observation made him fancy the attention.

"So you _DO_ like somethin' you see there huh Smokey?" Negan says, biggest shit-eating grin in the world plastered on his smug face.

"Your fly is down you conceited asshole!!" The man gritted out. His face turned a lovely tint of pink all the way down to his neck, and Negan found himself wanting to taste his skin. Feel the warmth of rapid blood flow.

Negan laughed at him before reaching down and zipping himself. "You sure you were only lookin' for my fly darlin'? Not anything else, anything bigge-"

"1000% sure." Rick gritted out, giving him a look that could sure as hell kill.

They went back to silence as they waited for the people to recieve their orders in front of them and leave.

Negan turned to look at the man who seemed to be lost in his own little head. He desperately wondered what he was thinking about. The next two people in line left sometime during Negan staring at Rick being lost in thought, making him 2 more people away from getting his TimBits, coffee and leaving. 

"So Rick, how are you?" The taller man innocently asks, turning around to be met with a scoffing brow.

"What?" Negan exclaims throwing his hands up.

"You're a weird one, ain't you?"

" 's just a little small talk, but please, if you don't like it I'll gladly go back to gettin' you all embarrassed like."

Rick groans and puts a hand towards his face.

"Unbelievable." he says tiredly.

"Next?" Comes from the cashier at the line. Negan walks towards her, scanning the menu.

You know for a cafe, their coffee list seemed rather subpar. Inedequate more or less.

"Hey sweetheart, can I get 40 timbits, a large french vanilla cappucino" 

He turns back to look at Rick.

"You want something right?" Negan asks expectedly. Rick expresses how shocked he was by the kind gesture. Not at all expecting it either.

He went to decline the kind offer but, "Just let me buy whatever the fuck you want you fuckin' prick. My treat."

Rick, to his reluctance, orders peppermint tea... _Really?_

"Can I get a name for the order sir?"

"937-609-5418" 

The girl looks at him with the pure revulsion, nose scrunched and eyes in violent slits. 

"No. No, no sweetie," he leans closer to avoid Rick's hearing. "It's for Officer Friendly over there." He gives a head motion to the side, and the girl looks over to Rick.

"Ohh gotcha." She smiles before writing down the number on the cups.

"Peppermint Tea?" Negan dwells after walking over to the side to wait next to Rick.

"40 timbits?"

"They're for my class, I'm late again and I told them the next time I was, I'd buy them donuts." He shrugs at the man. "So here we are."

Rick hums and takes his hat off and holds it in his arm earning a stare from the taller one.

"Thursday when I pulled you over, you told me you were late to the school, I kinda forgot you mentioned you taught."

A playful grin appears.

"It's only 4th week of school and you've got two tardies already. I can only imagine what you were like as a highschooler."

"Tall. Althetic. Varsity baseball player. Best goddamn 4 x 4 runner. Premisicous. and Hot like a devil."

"Somethang makes me believe you _are_ the devil." Rick states. Negan laughs again.

"And if I am Ricky, then you'd best give me your fucking soul." He says with a serious deep voice, giving a filthy swipe of tongue over his lips. "Or. else." 

"An' what if I don't have one, what then?"

A dark chuckle.

"Well darlin'...I could always lock your cute little ass away in a cage, tie you up and _torture_ you, hang you upside down, gag you _-_ ooh spanking is a good one."

 **"Stop talkin'!"** Rick hisses out, face beet red and full of shock, horror, and fluster. Negan was undressing him with his very eyes and his tone of voice and deep brewing octave was really starting to mess with his head.

Negan frowns feigning mock confusion "What's the matter honey, thought you said I was the devil?" 

"You're _insufferable_ , is what you are." Rick grumbles, Negan's words weren't the issue, but the way he was saying them was. God he didn't even know this man and he was aggressively flirting with him as if they were datin- 

Rick felt the tip of his ears go red and he cuts off that thought before it makes him feel something he shouldn't be particularly feeling. 

"Many things babe. Many things." Negan goes back to watching the workers still fix their coffee and tea. An elderly woman was now at the front counter just a couple feet away off from of them, giving her order to the young cashier girl. 

Negan looked at the man to his right again. Rick looks up and cautiously returns his gaze.

"Wh-what?" He asks nervously.

Some part of Negan really wants to keep flirting with him and getting him all worked up but that would do little on trying to build an actual relationship with the man.

"Just wondering why you were so pissed off earlier. What got you strung out so, Prick?"

"My name's Rick." Rick sternly tells him.

"Dick." Negan corrects himself, nodding his head in understanding.

Rick gives him an unimpressed look to which Negan grins innocently at, rabbit teeth and all.

Rick sighs. "My son's just mad at me 'bout some stuff and I'm just bout there with myself right now too, honestly. I dunno, there's just a lot of thangs." He says shifting his weight onto his other foot, hands drawn to his hips and looking down to the floor dejectedly. "A lot of stuff and thangs." He trails off.

Negan hums in response, before frowning.

So he was right.

They were both sad. _Stuff and things._ The man and his boy were going through it very fucking deeply.

He goes to comfort but the girl interrupts them.

"And here's your order sir, that'll be $11.59"

Negen gives her 3 $5's and recieves $3.41 back.

"Thanks honey." He says genuinely at the girl, (her nametag stated Sarah), with short brunette hair and brown eyes. She smiles warmly at him before checking in with the person at the counter.

Negan picks the box of timbits and his cappacino and hands Rick his tea.

"Thanks, and what do I owe you?" He asks now at the counter where the sugar packets and napkins and other various creams are. He starts adding pink sugar packets to his tea.

"Just your hat." Negan states. 

Rick turns to the man, continuing to dump the sugar in his tea.

"You...want my hat...?" He asked confused, raising an eyebrow along with an octave of his voice.

"Yes. Your hat." Negan re-states.

Rick frowns at him. 

"You can't have my hat Neg-"

Negan grabs the hat from it's resting spot on the counter and quickly puts it on, _completely_ disregarding the entirety of what the man was telling him.

"What do ya think Smokey? Do I look like the finest damn cowboy this here town now, ever fucking seen or what?!" Fake country accent and the biggest fucking smirk he's ever given Rick.

Rick furrows his brows, baby blues now turned a unique steel-cold fury that sends a delicious shiver through Negan's body.

"Give that back." He demands.

"I'd love to Rick, but I sadly got a class to teach. You know, permanent record to uphold- all that jazz. Sorry. But I'm sure we'll keep in touch." He starts walking towards the door dissmissing the man.

In a comedic sense, he was telling the truth. Rick's cup had his number and _he_ had Rick's hat. Rick wanted his hat and Negan wanted Rick to talk to him

" _Negan_ " Rick's southern drawl barked.

"Bye-Bye Baby Blue!!" The man turned and tipped the hat to it's owner before walking off.

...with haste however.

Rick was running after him, tea in hand. The on-goers in the cafe only watched the two crazy men bolt out the cafe shop like bats out of hell. It was still too fucking early for their bullshit.

Negan got to his car and wasted no time in flooring it before Rick stepped outside. He laughed to himself and checked out his reflection. 

The hat didn't really add to his appearance, much to Negan's dissappointment. But it was the sentiment of having it that really made it more of a trophy than a prize.

"Thank-You Prick." He triumphantly said. Utter self-gratification and smugness at recieving the man's hat.

* * *

"Why'd you fucking yell at my mom for touching your dad's arm last night?" Ron angrily bore into Carl's eyes...scorching his soul from the outside.

"I really didn't mean to say that, jus' sorta came out. Sorry." He says it with truth. Those words were not in any way intentional. But seeing Jessie touch him so friendly _really_ brought out his demon.

Ron only stared at him a minute longer before relaxing his face and giving Carl a slight smile.

"Shit happens." He shrugs.

Carl observed him.

His hair was mid-part and loosely-curled at the front in a fashion where they came over his eyes. He wore a black cut-off tank top with 'Simp!' printed on it, some silver chain that looked more of a choker than a necklace. He had on tight ripped bluejeans and black converses. His hands were accommodated with silver rings and black bracelets of sorts.

His eyes were looming but his smile was friendly. Carl found himself lost in confusion on why he liked looking at the boy. Never before had he had these feelings about a girl, let alone a boy, but yet, here was Ron Anderson. 

The very first out of none.

Carl diverted his attention to Enid who was sitting on Andre's desk, chatting away with him with a humorous smile on her face.

She was fucking beautiful. She was wearing a baggy brown-plaided dress shirt that hung off her shoulders, and some khakis that were also baggy-this girl made looking like a 2000's trashbag the most attractive fashion movement thing ever.

It wasn't fair. 

He continued to watch the girl talk the boy, Carl noticed that Andre's twist had crowns on them today, high top fade, matching dagger earrings with Enid and same chains too. In fact they were twining. Same baggy appeal, same Early-2000's-retro style, but instead of brown, he wore green-plaid.

They could dress, Ron looked like a fuckboy, and Sophia!! She looked like something out of a Harper's fucking BAZAAR catalogue it was all astounding. 

He only had a dark blue hoodie, a white undershirt, and some gray jeans. Nothing special about him.

Where did he fit in all this? Why did he feel left out still? Would he get that mysterious model look like they had? Would they dump him because he looked like garbage compared to them?

He felt like garbage and he was garbage. Maybe he was better off being alone than being amongst civilization. The want to fit in was so overbearing and so immense for him he wanted to crawl up into a ball and compartmentalize everything in life so it wouldn't be so overwhelming for him.

"Whatever irrelevant teenage drama y'all are talking about, stop it. I'm here and it's time to learn" Came from the doorway.

Negan walked in. It was 8:10 and he brought donuts like he said he would next time he was late. 

Carl frowned he didn't want food, he was mid-mental breakdown and food was not going to help. He needed to know his place in their group. He had to dress the part too or else they'd probably not want to be friends with him anymore.

"While I pass back your quizzes please come up and grab 2 donuts, 40 divided by 20 comes back to 2. Simple math, and basic manners." Negan says as he begins to pass out their quizzes while kids began to barge their way to the front of the room. 

Carl was the only one who stayed behind, he watched his 3 other friends up front talk as they waited to grab their sugary treats. This didn't go unnoticed by Negan -in fact, he and Carl both exchanged eye contact as the elder man moved between desk passing back the papers. 

"What, you not hungry kid?" He asked, seemingly thrown off.

Carl only shook his head with a tight frown and shrugging his shoulders. 

"Huh" Negan expresses before he returns his attention to passing out the papers.

When Carl receives his, he discovers that there are scribbles of ink from who he safely assumes is Negan. He knew he would respond, I mean he was pretty straight-forward with his question, but it still surprises him. 

-

By the end of their period, everyone's already heading out the door and into the hallway. Carl, Ron and Sophia exchange their see-you-later's as the two of them head off talking about each other's outfits. Andre walks off giving Carl a 'deuces' and Enid gives him a smile.

"You wanted to see me after class?"

Negan looked up with an intrigued glance at the voice, squinting just a little. He discovers it's Carl, before a smile reaches his eyes at the teenager.

"Carl hey, yeah if you could give me a just a quick second, that'll be real nice." Negan says.

Carl takes the closest seat directly across Negan's desk as he watches the man type away at his screen, something about the way he squinted and how his mouth was stretched long and thin at the computer made him look similar to his father the way he was with his phone.

It brought a smile to Carl's lips at a found memory of having to explain text slang and abbreviated terminology to his father.

"Okay Carl...talk to me. Wanna know what's going on." Negan states as he walks around to the front of his desk before he sits on the edge of it, moving the objects that were in his way of comfort first.

"That's pretty vague" Came from the boy sarcastically. 

Negan huffs a laugh at the kid's wit.

"You're a pretty smart, kid. You figure it out." Negan grinned at him.

Carl stared at the man.

Negan sighs. "Carl. What's bothering you? I know you're sad because of that question you asked me. If there's anything I can do to make things bett-"

Carl laughs a dry laugh

"Hmm, I don't know if talking to you will magically bring her back after she just up and decides to leave us, but please I'll humor you if that's what you want from me." He smiles at Negan.

Negan gives him a weird look before he closes his eyes and sighs deeply. 

"What happened Carl?" he ask, softer this time.

"You're a pretty smart adult Negan, you figure it out."

"I mean like _you_ said kid, It's pretty vague. You can't just give me one sentence with the briefest tiniest mention of the problem and expect me to solve it." 

Carl hums and gets up from the seat and swings his bookbag over his shoulder. Negan watches on, still at an eternal loss at how their conversation went completely downfall in less than 20 seconds. 

"Then I guess you can't help me?" 

There's a bitter chill to his voice that catches Negan really off guard. As if he's lost hope or like he can't see anything else besides darkness. It's...It's sad. 

"No. I never said that-"

"But even without those specific words that's what you're basically telling me is it not?" He turns to look back at Negan angrily.

"I'm telling you to give me better context kid so I can fucking understand what you're going through, in doing so will help me help you however best I can." Negan was kinda pissed off at how dismissive the teenager is being. Here he is pushing him away when all Negan wants is to help him through whatever hardship befallen him.

"SHE LEFT US NEGAN, how Hard is that for you to understand?! She left me, Dad and Judith. And she's not coming back. Even if she tried to come back the scars that _She_ left us will **never** be healed." 

Negan's surprised by the outburst. He figured that the boy was talking about his mom, but he was still in the gray area about her departure. 

Did she die? What did he mean by 'leave'? Where was she? Why did she go?

A million and one questions all clouded his brain.

"..."

He was speechless. He was trying to process all the information and form coherent words but it seemed he wasn't that skilled in multi-tasking. 

Carl only stared at him, awaiting a response. Still silently fuming as he watched the man open and close his mouth but finding no words come out.

He closed his eyes and shook his head. Giving out the same dry laugh prior.

"Like I said you can't help me. She's not coming back and talking about it is a waste of time."

The boy walked out of the classroom, leaving behind a dumbfounded Negan to stew with his thoughts. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I felt like a cretan in the dark preying on the little source of light coming from my laptop as I wrote this💀 OH My gOodness Chile anyways😂
> 
> Carl definitley has a fashion crisis but you gotta realize that when it comes to friend groups, That shit is real. Also sorry for the end, I tried rewriting and rewriting and none of the other scenes made me feel accomplished. It's only the 6th chapter, Negan just can't magically fix their abandonment issues...well not yet at least. Not so early in the story.
> 
> Thank you for the 500 hits <3  
> I know my work is trash and like I said, y'all are only here for the sheets and I'll give y'all them. You just gotta wait bitches.
> 
> ...This is note is way too long 😭 I'm sorry. 
> 
> But thank you for reading and leaving kudos to those that did. I got 2 F's in Algebra and Personal Finance that I need to turn into B's by next NEXT Thursday ❤️ teehee and that's on 3rd Quarter Grades LMFAOAOAOAOA💀


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